I asked who “friend” was. She drove a “friend” to the airport at 5am yesterday. Now she’s picking a “friend” up from the same airport at 8am tomorrow. Adderall fueled facebook message cross-correlation analysis suggested that “friend” had woken up in her bed on “Wednesday” and that “friend” might have been there Tuesday evening as well. But those were different-“friend” and Chris, who is only sometimes “friend”, respectively.


“Friend” is Ryan she says. “Friend” *can* be Ryan. If you sorted all possible “friend” transitions by naive likelihood it would be in the top three. But! You need to consider “friend” stability. Ryan “friend” is one of the most unstable “friend”s in the group. A Ryan “friend” will usually collapse into a pure Ryan within a couple hours. And a matching Ryan “friend” pair? Unheard of. Impossible. This “friend” is no Ryan.

“So uh, I’m very sorry if this offends you. I realize I could just be being paranoid here. I do get paranoid sometimes. But data I collected and analyzed for a hundred hours this week very strongly suggests that this is not in fact a Ryan “friend” we are dealing with here.”

“I’m so sorry again. I’m a terrible person and unworthy of your love. And you are very beautiful and wise and fair, which is why you don’t give it. But if you would be so kind as to ease my paranoid nerves, do you by any chance have any text messages or facebook messages you could show me with Ryan where the ride to the airport is mentioned?”

“We don’t use text or messenger”. Fuck. “Oh, surely you called to let him know you were on the way? Or he called to let you know he was here?” Yeah this is happening. “…” I wanted to be wrong. “Are you accusing me of something?.” I am wrong sometimes. “I’m not going to stand here and let you insult me like this, I’m going to the bathroom” Not this time.


“If you leave this room I will never talk to you again.”

Shock. Fear. Confusion. 


“If you leave this room you will never see me again. I will block you immediately across all platforms. If you want there to be any chance of reconciliation, if you want to be in my life at all, unlock your phone and hand it to me now”

She did